20 Questions

Religion. Money. Politics. These are three components of a widely known etiquette law which says you do not discuss these things in social settings. I try my best to abide by this law despite having a hefty political professional background. Some rules were made to be broken but I think it's best to just obey this one.

In addition to the R.M.P. law are certain questions which are best not asked, especially in social settings. You know the ones I mean, probably because you've asked them. "Are you trying to have children?" is the list topper, in my opinion. Aside from having the potential to unearth some pretty emotional reactions, this is basically asking someone the frequency of their sex life. Unless someone has announced that they are with child, consider this question taboo. Just don't go there. It's a Pandora's Box of issues that you don't want to be faced with while trying to juggle a high ball glass and a canape. If nothing else, it just shows poor taste.

Some folks will disagree with me on this one but I'm sold on the fact that you don't greet someone who has clearly been exercising and has trimmed down by saying, "You have lost a TON of weight". It's a back-handed compliment. You think you're giving affirmation and encouragement when what you're really saying is, "Wow, you sure were a porker before but now you're not". No one wants to be reminded of excess weight. That's why we strive to LOSE it. If you haven't been riding side-car with a friend as they shed the pounds and you simply encounter them after the weight has begun to drop, just give a subtle, "So good to see you. You look great. How have you been?" Do not BELABOR the weight issue. Less is more. ( I think there's a pun in there somewhere, perhaps a two dimensional pun.)

Now, one question that is relevant only to the single ilk is one that I also feel people ask because they are trying to be complimentary but it doesn't feel that way on the receiving end. I know, because I've been there. Not only does it bring out an "Emperor's New Clothes" feeling, but it's hard to devise an appropriate, clever comeback. I'm a self proclaimed smart-ass with lots of ringing endorsements. No one will refute that. But even I have a hard time finding the right blend of socially acceptable, tasteful, self-preserving, and smart ass replies to this gem: "What's an attractive, smart, fun, outgoing gal like yourself doing still single at 35? I mean, you're the whole package." Really? Really. Some people find this to be proper cocktail conversation. I, for one, don't think it's proper landfill conversation.

What's even MORE interesting is, the proprietors of the question don't consider it rhetorical. They actually wait for a response. An empirical one. "Well, I had placed an order for this dude who seemed like a great fit, but he's on back order. He should be arriving within eight to ten business days. Yes, I put a rush on him".

Then there's a safe yet meek response, "Well, I just haven't really found the right person yet". Lame. Stale. Weak.

I guess if I was a bra-burning ultra-liberal feminist living in the Bitter Barn I could retort, "I don't need a man to be happy or complete. I'm a self-assured, strong, woman and this notion that I am nothing without a man is insulting". Woman, hear me roar.

In truth, my ideal response would encompass a bit of each of these. I'd like for some innocent reveler who I meet at a cocktail party to know that I'm definitely in the market for someone who is a good fit, but I simply haven't found him yet and while this would be a nice addition to my current set-up, I'm actually okay without it. I can function. I don't really feel like any less of a person because I am not attached. All of this with a little bit of kick, of course. A little zinger never hurt anyone.

Pride is a powerful thing. It can throw off the balance of what would ultimately be a soft, genuine, and legitimate answer to a what I think is a pretty bold thing to ask. It's like any other concoction or recipe; it has to be road tested and altered for taste. It's a personal question fitting of a personal answer.