Festivus for the Rest of You

SXSW (for non-Austinites=South by Southwest) took place last week here in the Capital of the Great State. For those of you not familiar with this 22-year old, time honored tradition, a little background for you:

"The SXSW MUSIC AND MEDIA CONFERENCE features a legendary festival showcasing more than 1,800 musical acts of all genres from around the globe on over eighty stages in downtown Austin." (SXSW homepage)

In theory, this is a pretty cool event. You take a few big names, a lot of no names, dump them into an eclectic and laid back city and you've got the makings a fun few days. The thing is, for people like myself who are anti-hassle, anti-crowd, anti-no parking (that double negative means I am PRO parking), anti-traffic, and broke, this has the makings of nightmare.

Let me back up and say that in my youth, I tried, I mean REALLY tried to like festivals. New Orleans Jazz and Heritage Festival, French Quarter Festival, Shiner Festival, Blues Festival. I did them and I did them big. I did crawfish pie at Jazz Fest. I did the felt chicken hat at Shiner Fest. I did catfish at Blue Festival. I can't remember what exactly I did at French Quarter Festival which probably means I did it big.

Regardless of the theme, location, or time of year, I cannot bring myself to enjoy a festival. I can also think of about 8,572 other ways I'd rather spend my money. $165 for a wristband. That's a new Le Creuset dutch oven and some change. That's a 50 minute spa treatment at Lake Austin Spa; The Number One Destination Spa in the Country. That's a new set of roman shades from Pottery Barn. These are just three items off the top of my head that would be in line AHEAD of a wristband; a wristband which I would likely lose before the end of the five day festival.

I'm fascinated by the dedication of festival goers. They are well-hydrated nomads in sensible shoes and more often than not, minimal clothing. The minimal clothing is often compensated for by an enormous hat and/or big sunglasses. They also have a bit of the Pony Express in them; "neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night"...add to that in the case of Texas, "nor dust storm" will keep these festival goers from their beloved festivals.

Since I have felt like I am missing something by being completely and totally turned OFF by festivals when everyone around me is reveling in them, I decided to examine what it is about festivals that make me want to run the other way.

Here is what I came up with:

1) Crowds

2) Parking in a "satellite" location and taking a "shuttle" to the festival location

3) Aforementioned wristbands

4) Heat with no refuge

5) Port-a-jons

6) Hot beer

7) Lines...for everything

8) Dirt

9) Traffic

10) Overpriced...everything